I was first diagnosed with mental illness when my daughter was about 6. I’m a single mom and adopted my daughter in 2005 from China. I was mentally healthy, physically healthy, and emotionally prepared to deal with any fallout adopting an 11-month-old baby girl could bring. But what I had never counted on was that 5 years later I would have a mental break that would turn my world upside down. I had to learn how to parent with mental illness and give my daughter her best life.
Parenting while managing a mental illness can be challenging, but it’s important to remember that seeking support and treatment can make a significant difference when parenting with mental illness. Building a strong support network, prioritizing self-care, and maintaining age appropriate open communication with your child can create a nurturing environment, despite the difficulties. It’s also helpful to educate yourself about your condition, seek professional help when needed, and practice patience and understanding, both with yourself and your child.
I’m lucky in that I have an extremely close relationship with my parents. When my diagnosis was first made and I was fired from two jobs, my daughter and I moved in with my parents so I could get support and my daughter could continue having a normal life. When I had to go inpatient a few times, my daughter stayed with my parents and I was “on a business trip.” She never knew how bad things were, making parenting with mental illness a little easier for me.
As she got older, it got harder to shield her from my absences. You see, when I was with my daughter, I was fine. Like totally mentally sound. My panic attacks slowed down, my depression was put on the back burner, and my fatigue got a boost when she would get home from school. My daughter never knew anything about my mental illness. She never saw me laying in bed, crying, incapable of entertaining her because she was the most powerful medication that I had.
For others, parenting with mental illness can push you to the edge. If you have a partner who can take over the parenting a bit, do that. Do everything you can to shield a young child from the symptoms of mental illness. Arrange playdates, have people over so your child sees you socializing, maintain your hygiene so you look like yourself and not like someone who is crippled with mental illness. It’s a big ask, but your young child deserves the normalcy. And if it gets so bad that you need inpatient care, downplay your unexpected absence and tell them you are going away. Keep everything age appropriate.
Explaining mental illness to your older child can be challenging, but it’s important to be honest and age-appropriate, especially when it comes to parenting with mental illness. Consider saying something like, “Sometimes my brain feels a bit different, and it makes me feel upset or tired. It’s called a mental illness, and it’s just like when you get sick and need to see a doctor. I’m working with my doctor to get better, and I love you very much.”
Now that my daughter is 20, we’ve talked more about my bout with mental illness. But even though she’s an adult, there are still things I keep from her. In time I’ll tell her everything, but the desire to give your child a “normal” life doesn’t go away, which is key when parenting with mental illness.
